Choosing not to have children: ‘My so-called selfish life’ by Therese Shechter

« Selfish » is what abortion opponents call those who defend it. « Selfish » also is how filmmaker Therese Shechter was called her whole life for never having children. Her documentary film « My so-called selfish life » will be released on 6 May, when globally, discussions reopened about abortion after Politico revealed the US is planning to overturn Roe v. Wade. 

The film addresses a normalized culture of pronatalism that uses nature to urge women to have children. Children became a marker of success. In 2013, Shechter tackled the taboo of virginity with « How To Lose Your Virginity? » and encountered a great response as she initiated a public discussion about something we only talked about behind closed doors.

This new film too feels like freeing the speech about a forbidden matter. Shechter listens to those women who resist the social construct that a woman’s greatest value lies in her ability to procreate. What happens to those who try to choose – and sometimes refuse – motherhood by themselves, for themselves, regardless of what is expected from them? 

The film isn’t a masterpiece of cinematography, of which one would admire the frames or the soundtrack. However, it does what Shechter does best: addressing with intelligence, sense of humor, sincerity – some would say crudely – a « taboo » subject. The word is an understatement. Untouchable, unspeakable, anchored, in the depths of morals, where it is neither seen nor heard, would be more accurate. « We do not like to admit to ourselves that we see women above all as reproducers, » writes feminist author Mona Chollet in Sorcières.

The right to refuse motherhood is not acquired. The right to abortion is acquired sometimes and threatened since yesterday in the United States. But the moral, social and cultural right not to be a mother keeps being denied to women. Shechter brings together the voices of those, confident and uninhibited, who choose to resist the pressure to become mothers.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the Supreme Court Hearings in 1993: « This something central to a woman’s life, to her dignity. It’s a decision that she must make for herself. And when a government controls that decision for her, she is being treated as less than fully adult human responsible for her own choices. »

The film follows Lauren, for example, who tries to get sterilized, a request that is always met with the same answer: « In five years, you might regret it. » She says, with indignation: « I am able to go and fly to China tomorrow and move there. I’m able to join the military. I’m able to sign a contract for a massive loan. I’m able to make so many decisions that I could regret as an adult. Why is it that someone is looking over me, paternalistically in this area, when in other areas of my life, I’m respected as an adult? » She mentions the case of a woman who was denied sterilization on the ground that she was too young: « In what world is 35 too young for an adult to make a decision for themselves? » asks Lauren, sharply.

This infantilization that revolts her is the result of the paternalistic view that society has of women. Also known as the maternal instinct, this generalized belief that a woman realizes her deepest identity when she becomes a mother is a cause of pain for those women who do not have children. By choice or not, some for this time only, others forever, they are all prey to this injunction to be a mother that honors, medals, successes, will not disarm.

With mainstream references, feedback, and interviews with writers, Shechter also addresses her own story and the choice her mother made not to have an abortion. This exposure helps to make the documentary feel like a discussion among friends of all cultures and sexual orientations, in which we release all those thoughts that society does not allow us to express.

This film is a necessity because it thwarts the social pressure that women are under to fertilize by freeing their speech, a pressure further applied by the reopening of discussions about abortion in the United States. It is an ode to choice, to free will in matters of reproduction. It draws the link between eugenics and pronatalism, deconstructs the myth of the biological clock, and opens up alternatives to the traditional nuclear family. And above all, it states loud and clear: those who have not had children are fine. Shechter’s film comes in the nick of time.

« Instead of recognizing the institutional violence of patriarchal motherhood, society stigmatizes these women, who eventually explode into psychopathological violence. » Adrienne Rich

« Natalism is about power, not love of humanity. » Mona Chollet

My So-Called Selfish Life‘s streaming run has ended (for the time being) but is always available to schools, non-profits, conferences, and companies here, and filmmaker speaking engagements here. Get on the film’s First To Know list for upcoming events in your area.